I was a little unsure where to start this, but I really need to start with my grandparents.  My grandparents were a big influence on my life. They helped raise me when I was small, and saw to it that I went to church on Sundays.  I went to a local Community Church with them, since my mother did not go to church.  I found out later that they had been members of a country Baptist Church in rural Missouri for many years, in the area where they were raised and where they lived before coming west to California.  

That ended when my immediate family moved to Arizona for a few years when I was about 10, and I no longer went to church when we moved back to California.  I did continue to stay as close to my grandparents as possible.  Once a month or so I would spend the weekend at their place, doing deep cleaning in my grandmother's kitchen, and helping out in other ways.  They meant a lot to me, and their values, the example that they set with their religious background, helped form the person I became.  They were very special people.  They had a deep, abiding faith that sustained them through thick and thin, and their love for one another remained strong through more than 75 years of marriage. They were the "glue" that held our entire family together, and they enriched all lives that they touched.  They were loved by everyone. They lived long, fruitful lives, and died within two years of one another in their mid-nineties.  My grandmother really left us when he died, but hung on for awhile so that we could all bear the loss a bit easier.  Their faith was a wonderful testimony, and made a deep impression on me.

I married at 17, in that same church I had attended as a child, but my husband refused to go to church.  I did not drive, so I did not attend either.  I had three sons, and when they got old enough for Sunday School, I did make an effort to take them for awhile, but with the objections of my husband, it did not last too long.  I did not attend church after that.  I was married a total of 43 years to that husband.  Outwardly it was a good marriage.  In fact, recently someone told me that I had been a role model for them.  I was a good wife, good mother, I became our family mainstay.  I always did what was expected of me, and more. When there were problems and someone needed me, they came to stay as long as necessary. When my grandmother was unable to continue preparing holiday meals even with help, I took them over, and had all of them for 20-25 relatives.  

I was interested and involved with my children and their lives.  When my oldest son was old enough for Cub Scouts and they needed a den mother, I became one, and worked actively with that for ten years. I volunteered at their school.  I went through PTA, Little League and Pop Warner football. I learned the New Math and helped with whatever they needed for school. I was very active in the community March of Dimes... the newspaper called me a "pillar of the community."  When my youngest went to school I went to work part-time at one of the city's schools, so that I would be there when my children came home.  Annual vacations were camping vacations, except for short trips to Las Vegas because my husband loved to gamble.  I went along for the shopping and to rest.  

It was a busy, active, and seemingly good life. We didn't have much money, but there was enough. And, after I went to work we were finally able to get out of debt.  

What others did not see was all that was missing from that life, and which showed to them only in the careless manner in which I was treated by my husband. Other than my children and my extended family, my life was devoid of love.  There was no real love, no affection in the marriage, and there was no church.

My boys grew up and left home. Although I did not attend church, I still believed.  I believed in God, and that Jesus died for our sins.  I still prayed... mostly praying for Him to keep my children safe, wherever they were and whatever they were doing.  

 The younger two married and have good families, the oldest died nine years ago. 

Fifteen years ago, I was forced to go to work full time.  We had left southern California, my husband retiring early when his company closed down. Then it went bankrupt and we lost a lot of those retirement benefits. 

A marriage that had always been shaky deteriorated rapidly after that. By the time our son died, it just widened the gulf to a chasm.  And here my faith faltered.  I did not deny God, but I somehow felt betrayed.  I now realize, after looking at it clearly, that I had no reason for this, it was just a reaction to the grief I felt at the loss of my son.  I prayed after that, but not often and not with the meaning that I had put into it before.

In another five years my husband and I did not ever talk.  We had basically always led the life he wanted.  His life.  And none of my needs or wishes were considered.  When the children were there it was tolerable.  He refused to discuss any problems. He didn't have any. He was unconcerned.  Eventually, with no effort on his part to change, and my failure to make him see that he was killing the love I had for him, after long years of trying to make it work and failing, there was no love left and there was a lot of misery. 

What I continued to put up with when I loved him became intolerable when that was gone.  Verbal abuse grew worse and worse, and I retreated.  He got worse.  I no longer argued. If you no longer love, there is nothing to argue about.  That's when I finally realized that he could not love me.  And that's what finally gave me the courage to leave.  I couldn't bear the thought of ending my days in a house full of hate.  I was unhappy in my work, the town where I lived, and I was tired of fighting the world.  There was no joy in my life, no peace, no love.  I wanted peace, at the very least.  

Unfortunately, I was not aware of the problems that can develop when you leave a husband. It was a tremendous emotional strain on everyone in the family, for a long time. And I had already been under a lot of emotional strain for a long time. It had taken me three years to leave after I decided to.  A month after I left I ended up in the hospital.  They thought it was a major heart attack, but it was major stress, pneumonia, and a beginning ulcer.  I came home several days later and within a week I was almost back in the hospital again.  My youngest son, who lived in Oregon, came to my rescue. He came to me, packed me up and took me to their home.  He and his wife had a 14 year old son, and a new daughter just 3 months old. I took my work with me to Oregon. I was managing editor of a magazine, and was going to publish it electronically from there.

Beyond the stress created by my husband (and friends and family who were pressuring me to return to him) I was particularly concerned about my relationship with my older son.  He was basically a lot like his father, and at first he insisted I should go "back home where I belonged."  He had left home before things got really bad, so he just did not know what it was like. No one did, because I had not let them see.  Why make everyone uncomfortable?  I was very concerned, however, that he would become estranged from me over this.  Fear of this happening had actually kept me from leaving for a long time, but... he was married, very settled into his family and his life, and if that had to be, for awhile, so be it.  I felt that eventually he would see his father as he really had become, and things would be okay again. At least I hoped so.  But for now, it was tearing me up.  What if I lost him too?  I had already lost one son...

In Oregon, after a tremendous flurry of activity in the mornings, they would all go their separate ways to work and school and day care, and I was left with a silent and calm house in which to work.  They live on the southern Oregon coast, and although it was summer, it was a cool and rainy one.  I was still sick, so I could not go for long walks on the beach, but I thought I would try going to church again. 

And then I developed another problem... or at least I saw it as that at first.  I now had a suitor... or a "wanna be," anyway.  He was in Alaska, and I was more than 2,500 miles away.  I had met him through my work, and he was concerned over the stress I was having. He suggested church, and it was something I had wanted, even before leaving my husband. Even though I would not be staying here for too long, it might be a good place to start. My son drove me to look for a nearby church, and we found that the nearest was just about five blocks away, and it was a Baptist Church.  Since this was the background my grandparents had had, I wanted to try one.  I went the next Sunday.  I had never really attended a Baptist Church, and was a little unsure as to what to expect.

I sat near the back, and the small church filled up rapidly.  The members seemed friendly, and I enjoyed watching them interact while waiting for the service to begin.  As soon as the song service began, I started crying!  I heard a message in the songs that were sung that I had never heard in hymns before.  I was overflowing with feelings of... peace, joy, and comfort.  I could not stop crying!  The tears quietly streamed down my cheeks as I mouthed the words, unable to sing out loud for the tears.

As I listened to the sermon, I heard a message that I had never heard in the sermons when I'd attended church as a child, or later as an adult.  I felt... I wasn't sure how I felt, but I knew I did not want it to end. I wanted more of this!  I returned the following Sunday after a harrowing week of trying to get a magazine out in a very short time, and although the deadline was only days away, I was not willing to give up the respite that church would bring.  It was a repeat of the Sunday before. Tears ran down my face through most of the service as I silently thanked the Lord for being there for me, and in a new and better way.

The next Friday, after getting an extension on the magazine deadline, and working long hours again all week, it was almost ready.  Then I got some very disturbing news from my boss... I was told I needed to take a bus for 16 hours, all night, to Sacramento to testify in court against state officials.  I was on the very verge of a complete breakdown, my health was bad... my nose began spurting blood.  It poured, and nothing would stop it. 

I didn't have the money for the emergency room.  I was already staggering under medical bills, having no insurance.  Further calls to my boss produced no solution.  I remember sitting at the computer, head back with wads of tissue in hand, trying with one hand to lay out the magazine issue, tears flowing, and my stress-tightened shoulders screaming in pain at the added strain of trying to keep my head in an awkward  position to staunch the flow from my nose.  What a mess.  I knew the lawsuit case was coming up, but they had not warned me it was coming so soon. My boss was in the right, and I had intended to testify.  I had been there, and it was right that I should.  However, my body was not prepared for it at that moment. My body was not prepared for one more major thing right then...

 Then, unexpectedly, my would-be suitor appeared (on the phone, actually), demanded to know my bosses cell phone number, and he took care of it.  He spoke to my boss and handled it.  I would not have to go (and as it turned out, it would have done no good had I gone).  Gee, no one had ever done something like that for me.

I kept quiet and still over the weekend, and when I went to the doctor on Monday morning it was to find that my blood pressure had soared up to astronomical figures.  I had never even had high blood pressure!  As he spoke to me, I felt the familiar feelings of a panic attack, and the fear that brings it on, and accompanies it.

He gave me some medication for five days, told me to stuff Vaseline up my nose for the dryness, and told me to "get my life in order."  He said that I was headed for serious health problems if I did not get further away from my husband, and that I should get wherever I was going, do whatever I was going to do, and get some peace into my life or I was in for some serious problems.

This news literally stunned me.  I went back to my room in my son's home in a daze.  What a mess.  Although I could stay there as long as I wanted, I now knew that I really should leave as soon as possible and get on with my life. What had I got myself into?  My life felt like it was in tatters at my feet.  Go where? Do what?  Be a burden to my children?  No.  Go to my family?  No.  Did I mention that I did not drive?  I eventually got a driver's license when I was 37, but after driving about six months I gave it up, and had not driven since.  I had no vehicle.  I had not much of anything. I had very little money. I was hassling with my husband over the phone every few days over what he would allow me to have. I wanted out of the marriage, and he was furious because I would not return, so he was not agreeing to give me much of anything.

I cried and cried.  My nose bled and bled.  I got sicker.  I spent what time I could spare in bed that week, and I got the magazine out.  I was seriously depressed.

My would-be suitor had paid for me to fly up to meet him earlier, and he was all that he said he was. I really cared for him... perhaps too much.  I knew I was very vulnerable, and was afraid to trust what I was feeling.  What if I made the same mistake again?  I had sworn I would not jump into anything.

I eagerly waited to attend church that next Sunday.  It was all I had to look forward to right then.  When Sunday arrived I got up early and began getting ready.  My son and his wife got up, both of them sick... they went back to bed and I went back to my room.  How I had been looking forward to church, but did not have the heart to make one of them take me as badly as they were feeling.  I undressed again and lay down on the bed, feeling as if my world were at an end.  I had been praying a lot, but today... today was different.  Perhaps because I was desperate. Perhaps because I was in the very depths of despair.  But today I somehow now  knew that God was real and that He would hear what I had to say. Today I did not formally pray. I talked to Him and begged and pleaded, and sobbed and cried.  I could not go on as I was, and I told Him so.  I told him I did believe He had died for my sins, that I knew I was a sinner, and that I wanted to change... I begged Him to help me anyway.  I wanted to be one of His children... I wanted to go wherever He would lead.  I pleaded with Him to lift this heavy burden from my shoulders, and show me the way to go, and I would follow.

I was on my knees, on a small mattress I had brought with me, placed directly on the floor. What happened next is hard to explain.  But as sure as I am here today, I was not alone in that small room.  He was there.  It seemed very bright and light suddenly, and I felt as if I were being held in the strongest, most comforting arms in the world. My shoulders, which had been in intense pain for months with stress, were soothed... and the pain went away.  I heard no audible voice but he talked to me.  What did he say?  I don't know, but I was comforted.  The wonder of that moment, or however long it actually was, remains with me today, and I am as amazed by it now as I was at the time.  I don't know when he left... I don't know what I did next. The rest of the day I was caught up in the awe and wonder of what had happened to me.

So... did I run right out in the streets and shout it from the rooftops?  No.  I hugged it to myself and kept it for awhile.  I could not even think about it without crying... how could I talk about it? I did a LOT of thinking in the next week.  I went to the beach and walked along the windy shore.  I sat out in the sun, and in the drizzly rain, trying to see clearly what the Lord wanted me to do. 

He cared about me.  He had actually come to me... to me.  I would never be alone again.  I would always have him there to turn to in need.  So what did he want me to do with this new life He had given me?  How did he want me to go about building this new Christian life?  Then I began looking at what he had been putting into my life.

What he had put into my life centered around my suitor.  He was a devout Christian, and he and I shared a great many things in common.  The reasons I had given myself for changing my entire life had been to enrich it with God, to leave myself open for someone who could care for me as I cared for them, and to look for peace and happiness to come somewhere, sometime.  Had he not presented me with someone who was offering me these things?  I had not even had to go out searching for them.  I had always wanted to go to Alaska.  But could I actually live there?  I had researched it a lot in years past, but was finding from communication with my suitor that there were a great many things I did not know, and I was sure there would be many more.  It was a very scary proposition.  I had actually only seen this man once, and I would be leaving all of my family, all of my friends... my entire life, actually, since my boss would not allow me to take my work with me if I left the area.  So what did I do?

I put my trust in the Lord, of course.  I had pledged to do so, and he was clearly showing me that this was the path he wanted me to follow.  I came to Alaska.  My suitor actually drove those 2,546 miles to my door, helped me pack up my things, and my younger son gave us his blessing.  We then drove to my older son's home so he could meet and get to know my future husband a bit and he did not let me down.  I felt very blessed to have the love and support of both of them.

So, God led me to get in a truck with this man who looked almost like a stranger (but whom I actually knew pretty well), and begin a journey into the future.  By this time I had no doubts, however.  I had prayed long and hard and felt this was very right.  My life has been an adventure since then... an adventure in an entirely new world to me.  I am still feeling my way around it, and there have been some mighty obstacles to overcome.

I got a job, got a car (I had kept my driver's license all those years, and a few lessons surprised me at how well I did... mostly it was just getting used to driving on ice and snow), and lived in an apartment building on my own for the first time in my life.  I went to a number of Baptist churches when I arrived in Alaska.  I was living in town, about 30 miles from where my future husband was living, at his work site. Somehow, none of them seemed just right. 

I kept looking, and then my future husband asked me to attend his church.  It was out near his work site, and he had been a charter member there.  He and his former wife.  She was no longer attending, and had actually moved into town.  It was a small church, and I was very hesitant about going there.  Hesitant about the reception I would get from these people who had seen him attend with his ex-wife for more than 20 years... some of them had grown up seeing them there together.  They were taught by one or the other in Sunday School.  Close-knit families who were friends in this small community.  His hunting and trapping partners over the years.  But could I refuse him? 

I went, of course. I felt I needed to give it a chance.  I kept swallowing the big lump that was my heart leaping up into my throat, and I went that very Sunday.  And you know what?  Despite my fears, and despite whatever they felt, I knew that I was in God's house that Sunday. He spoke to me through the message that day, and continues to do so.  I did not expect a warm reception from the members, but I have been treated very well by them.  Our church is the Two Rivers Baptist Church.  A plain, unassuming building built and supported entirely by the membership.  But its walls are hallowed, because God resides within, and God's work goes on inside its walls. 

My suitor and I have been married for almost two years now, and are happier with each passing day.  Our love just grows stronger with time.  We recently bought a small home near the church and his work.  We lived in town until then, driving out the 30 miles to church, almost an hour's drive, one way, in winter weather.  But if that is where God's message is, that is where you go!

I've been asked how I know "He speaks to me through the message."  I'd like to share a recent example: I had a lot of allergy problems after coming to Alaska, and we had come upon the idea of going to Florida (where he lived before coming to Alaska) to get a business going there, returning to Alaska for the summers.  The doctor thought it would help, as the severe dryness here was a big problem. We made extensive plans and it seemed that this was a good solution to several problems.  Then, obstacles began cropping up at the last moment.  I needed to have tests done for some additional health problems.  Then, so did my husband... we hung onto the plan, hoping to solve the problems before time to leave.  Then something came up with his job here, and it looked like he really needed to stay here this winter for that.  We were still trying to solve everything, and praying about this a lot.  I was getting pretty stressed out about it, when we decided we'd begin looking for a place out here "just in case."  It had taken a very long time to find something in town, and we did not expect it to take less time out of town.  Amazingly, we found what we wanted the first day!  That really had me confused, and I prayed about it a lot.  I really felt that I would get a message that Sunday... at least I hoped so.  The message that Sunday in church was taken from the book of Genesis, and concerned the story of Abraham, who traveled to the land of Canaan after the Lord spoke to him; and Lot, who traveled with him.  They could not live together, there were problems, and here is what Abraham told Lot, from Chapter 13, verses 8-12:

"And Abram said unto Lot; Let there be no strife I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren."

  "Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself I pray thee, from me; if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left."

" And Lot lifted up his eyes and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar." 

"Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other." 

"Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom."

The cities on the plain were wicked in the eyes of the Lord, but full of riches; and the valley was rich, so Lot chose them in which to live... quick riches, in a wicked place. 

Canaan was a desert land, and there would be a lot of work to make it fruitful, but the Lord promised Abraham that he would give him much, and make him a great man... hard work in a wild place, with the promise of riches to come.

Wow!  Were we impressed... Were the "cities of the plain" the richer, easier life" we expected in Florida? Was Canaan the hard work that would be ahead of us in winter in the more inhospitable climate of Alaska, but nearer the word of the Lord?  No doubt in our minds.  It was loud and clear!

This message, following right on the heels of all the other things that had happened in the short period of just a few weeks, did it.  We changed our minds right then.  And you know what?  As much as I looked forward to the trip, I did not regret it a bit once it was clear to me that God wished us to stay here.  And with his help we were able to get into the place we wanted in record time, and our health has improved... and a number of other things have fallen into place. 

Now do you get the idea?  We are following where he leads, and wherever it leads us we will strive to do his work.  Willingly and joyously, for the Lord is at work in our hearts. 

Well, that is my testimony. 

 I hope you enjoyed reading it.  I know I enjoy reading the testimony of others. It is wonderful to read of the ways in which the Lord works within us, and for us. If you have a story to tell and would like to send it to me, I will put up a page of the testimony of others... what do you think?  Just let me know.