It is 10 p.m. now, but having just taken another steroid tablet, I probably won't be able to sleep for quite awhile, and then most likely only for a short time - a couple of hours or so.  The steroid makes me very jittery and nervous, and I was already deeply concerned about my doctor visit today, and it turned out that I was right to be concerned and fearful of what he would have to say.
 
It has now been more than four months since we discontinued the Alimta chemotherapy treatments in late June.  In early July, when I had another X-Ray taken, there was no change to the tumor but it had only been a little more than a week, so the doctor said I didn’t need to come back for another month.  In early August there was still no change.  This time he lengthened the time to six weeks, when there was still no change.  This was just as we were moving, however, and it was just shortly after that time that I began having problems.  Anyway, it looked good on that visit and he increased the time to two months, which brings us to today’s visit.

It wasn't good, but deep down I think both of us knew it would not be.  The increased coughing and larger amounts of blood in it, as I had early this year when the tumor grew so rapidly; terrible tiredness that doesn't ever go away, and makes everything seem so difficult to even attempt... difficulty sleeping, mostly due to fear and concern I guess, and the deterioration of all the strides I gained last summer in just a few weeks; all these things pointed to renewed growth of the tumor, and the X-ray confirmed that.  It has grown from 3 centimeters to 4-1/2 centimeters in the last two months.

As agreed with the doctor, I had prepared just in case I needed to begin chemo again by continuing to take the Folic Acid as required, I took the steroid yesterday and this morning before leaving home, so there would be no delay in starting treatment if necessary.  The doctor was very pleased I’d not forgotten, so I began taking chemo treatments again today, had a Vitamin B12 shot, and a flu shot.
 
I was reluctant to take the flu shot, because after the only one I ever had I became quite sick.  After hearing what he had to say about it, and his concerns for me if I didn't take it, I agreed to have one.  He said the likelihood of getting influenza from taking the shot was much less than the likelihood of getting it if I did not take it.  He said they've improved much since I had one about six years ago, and with my immune system so compromised, a real bout with influenza could kill me quickly.  I am already having some reaction to the shot, but just the normal reactions it said you might get for the first 48 hours.

Despite the fact that my blood pressure was really quite low just before I saw the doctor (110 over 68) my stress level is really high tonight.  It has been a very long and tiring day for one thing.  Dr. Ahmann is at a second office they have in Medford at the opposite end of town on Thursdays and Fridays.  All my previous visits had been on Mondays and Tuesdays, and I had to first go to Rogue Valley Medical Center, just across the street from this office for my X-ray, and I'd never been there before.  It is quite large and not very well laid out or marked, with no "maps" to show where you are, etc., and we got completely lost there.

We had gone to Medford early to run a few errands, and I had to buy some items that Jim would have been lost trying to find by himself, so I was stressed and walked to death from going back and forth in a new store I'd never been in, trying to remember not to touch things, etc., and get in and out as quickly as possible.  I was worn out by the time I got into the hospital.  Luckily we latched onto a wheelchair, because it was literally miles, I think, before we got out of there again.

We then went over to have my blood work done, and then waited a bit to see the doctor, too. 
 
My blood oxygen level is still down, at about 87 now, from a high of 92 that it had been running each time.  I think that's a direct reflection from the allergy problems I'm having, that give me so much congestion.
 
We had to wait everywhere we went today (my first appointment was at 1 p.m. for the X-ray, 1:40 for blood work, 2:40 for the doctor, and the chemo treatment wasn't scheduled).  I had to wait a long time especially for the chemo treatment since I had not been on the schedule and they had to prepare all the medication; so, we were much later getting out of there than planned, then we went to dinner at McGrath's Fish House, because I know Jim loves the food there, and I'd just been thinking of having to go through an appointment like that if I hadn't had him beside me... it is almost unthinkable.  When I suggested it, (McGrath's Fish House) he literally whooped and hollered… it was definitely the right choice to make him feel better. Neither of us had anything to eat all day but a few crackers.
 
Jim was in a seafood lover’s paradise!  They had an entrée that featured four types of prawns; wood fired on the grill, stuffed with crab, coconut prawns, and deep fried prawns.  On top of that, they serve a lot of food!  He had four of each kind in the entrée, with freshly baked sourdough, clam chowder (instead of salad), and he had French Fries (ignoring my frown) for his other option.  In addition to that, he had an appetizer, they serve of a big plate of calamari rings that he’s had before, and is absolutely delicious.  It’s served with aioli sauce that’s really great here.  Tonight I tried it for the first time, and really liked it.  Jim told me to take the small pieces, as they were the tenderest, and they were.  Then, after I got home I looked up the definition on the Internet, because we couldn’t remember if calamari was squid or octopus, but I really thought they were octopus, which is why I tried them.  I had decided some time ago that squid was right up there with several other things I consider too exotic, or don’t like the looks of, or something.  Well, now I have eaten SQUID!  Yuck!!!  I couldn’t believe it… and I liked it!  Oh well…

Anyway, everything we had was great, but it was between 7:30 and 8 sometime before we started home, and we didn't even do grocery shopping; we didn't get home until about 9.  There were a lot of deer on the road tonight, and the last one we saw waited for us and then ran right out in front of us!  Luckily Jim managed to miss him.  Their presence made the drive home slower than otherwise.  I’ve never been able to figure out why on some nights they seem to be around every curve, and on others there are none of them.  I haven’t been able to identify what is the cause for this, for it seems always to be one way or another.
 
We left here about 10 this morning, so that was an 11 hour day away from home for me, and a stressful one at that.  We were both very thankful the Lord saw us through it, and we breathed a very deep sigh of relief when we reached home, where Missy was waiting faithfully, all her "meow's" for dinner all saved up and ready to burst forth as soon as the door opened!  I half-expected her to jump up onto Jim’s chest, all claws out and firmly implanted in his skin, to get right into his face so she could tell him what she thought about us making her wait so long for dinner.  She didn’t do that, however, and she waited pretty patiently for him to get it ready for her.  Once we were home we went into letdown from the tiring day, all the pre-stress and after-stress, and so on.  So, what’s next, and where do we go from here?

Well, now it is time to gear up again, bring up the determination (with the Lord's help) and begin my climb back out of the deep valley.  Without Him I can do nothing, but with His help, all is possible.  I will renew my prayers, and keep them up, many times a day, trying to bring myself closer to Him, because that lifts my spirit and helps me in my battle.
 
I have to say that although it was bad news today, it was not as devastating as it was in January when I heard almost the same thing for the first time, because it was completely unexpected that time I suppose.  Since I was concerned about it prior to this visit today, and because I’d heard it before, and had been able to deal with it, it made it easier this time to hear.  Jim said he was surprised at how well I took it.  He confided in me that he saw the X-Ray on the computer at the imaging lab when it was taken.  For the first time a technician allowed him to go into the small room with him, so he knew the result before we left for the doctor’s office.  That must have been difficult for him, but did give him a little time to absorb it on his own, and he feels a deep responsibility to be there for me when needed, and this helped him get his thoughts and feelings together a bit more, so he’d be ready to give me whatever I needed from him, when I needed it.  I’ve said it many times before, but I don’t see how he could be a better “caregiver” for me.  He is wonderful.
 
Now the concern will be whether this treatment can perform again, and as well, or better than it did earlier.  We are kind of in uncharted ground, medically, as far as I know.  I do have the secret and know how I can come to peace with this concern.  I will just give it to God, as He has asked us to do, and remember to have faith in the passage from God’s word, in the book of Romans that says…
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28

You see, I have part of Him residing within my heart in the form of the Holy Spirit, and He has been there at all times since my salvation.  I know this, because He never fails to guide me, He never fails to provide all that I need in a spiritual way.  There have been more instances that I can possibly enumerate here, and I won’t try.  Why?  Because if you have not allowed salvation to come to you, you can’t really know what that means, because you don’t yet have the faith to take that final step into the unknown to save yourself for eternity; and if you have salvation, then you will understand perfectly what I mean.
For tonight I will rest in the Lord’s arms, and ask for His help in this.  I have a page on my website that is a wonderful blessing to me in times of need like this, and one of my favorite parts from this page says…
 

You can read this page here: http://www.marciesalaskaweb.com/faintnot.htm .  Unfortunately I don’t remember who gave this text to me originally, but I immediately felt I needed to put it on my website, so I created the page for it.  It is wonderful to help you find the peace you need when facing any bereavement or suffering or any tests and trials, as it mentions at the top.  I often turn to it when I need help and guidance, and it gives me peace.

I have some dear friends who just lost their grandson, and another who has recently been diagnosed with cancer.  I hope they can all find a measure of peace on this page, and you may know of someone who needs something such as this, too. 

My next doctor appointment is set for December 7 (isn’t that Pearl Harbor Day???), when I’ll have another chemo treatment along with the other three appointments.  This one is set for earlier in the day, which we really prefer, especially at that time of year, as long as it isn’t too inclement, since we really don’t like driving home in the dark, it is such a winding, slow, dangerous road at that time of night, especially with all the deer we have in the area.

To bring you up-to-date on other happenings around here in God’s Country, we are definitely into the rainy season now, and we actually had a skiff of snow on the ground last Sunday and again on Monday, I believe, but it was gone later in the day, each day, drowned in rain.

My roses are still bravely blooming.  We have still not had any noticeable frost on the ground at our place, and while many of the deciduous trees in the area are now sporting dead or dying leaves, and some are already bare, there are still others brightly colored.  Each night mist rises from the river, and fog hangs over the mountain on the other side, settling into wisps here and there as it rises during the morning hours to burn off in the heat of the sun.  This morning we ran into fog several places on the road, but the temperatures were in the high 40’s when we left here, and by the time we reached the interstate it was clear until we reached the Siskiyou summit, where about a mile on the California side was still shrouded.  Down the other side it was foggy most all the way down, but we were blessed by not coming up on any slow trucks all the way down in the fog, an almost unheard of circumstance.  There are always large semi trucks crossing the mountains there.  It is the main western artery from California to Oregon, or LA to Portland and Seattle.

Everything is fresh and bright and green again, and inside our garden the ground is thrusting forth almost a solid carpet of green… all of which I’m assuming are weeds, at least it looks that way.  Well, it should be easier to work now that it’s not hard and dried out, assuming I get the chance to do that soon, if we get a respite from the rain and snow that are coming our way.  All the moss on rocks, stumps, trees, etc. that are in the shade is colored a bright lime green now, reveling in all the water it’s receiving.  The groundcover out at the highway edge of our property is thick and lush, all perked up and brightly colored.

Jim pulled his gold dredge from the river just a few days before Halloween, I believe, and has been working on things around here since then that had been put off, as well as helping me again since I wasn’t feeling well.  AJ (for more about AJ if the name is unfamiliar, see Fall Dredging) stayed camped in a tent next to the river until yesterday, when he left for Florida to begin a new job.  He ate dinner with us most days after he moved his camp close by, providing the meat sometimes, as well as bringing some entire meals to cook here for us.  He was a big help when I didn’t feel well and pitched right in to help cook and/or clean up afterward.  He helped us move furniture, or anything else we could use help with, for that matter.  He’s a very nice young man and we enjoyed his company.  We’re going to miss him.  He is just about the same age as my two sons.

Speaking of which, my older son Dan, and his family, came to visit in October.  Younger son David had planned to visit at the same time with his daughter Callie, but he injured his back and had to postpone, so they will be here for Thanksgiving next week.  That will be great, and because of the holiday it will give us more time together, and that’s always very welcome.

Jim recently attended two important meetings in our area.  He was asked to speak for and represent the mining community at the Klamath Basin Watershed Conference.  This was formed after the water to irrigators along the upper Klamath in Oregon was “turned off” and made all the news in 2001.  It was supposed to be made up of all stakeholders in the basin, which extends from the Cascade Mountains to the sea where the Klamath enters it.

It has taken them awhile to actually get someone involved from some of the stakeholders, and there are some involved who still feel that miners do not even belong there as stakeholders.  This is the fourth such conference, I believe, and there is another planned for 2008.  There will also be workshops held between now and then, which is a good thing, from what Jim could see. 

The conference was something entirely new for him, and the presentation they asked him to make was to be only ten minutes long, and then had to be cut to a shorter time because some others had gone over their time.  There were representatives from legislators, county people from several counties including ours, regulatory government agencies such as USFS (US Forest Service), Dept. of Fish and Game, Dept. of Fish and Wildlife, California Water Quality Control Board, and others; there were representatives of the local Grange groups, there were representatives from the coastal fishing industry, the Klamath Basin farmers and ranchers, the homeowners along the river (mostly in the areas where dam removal would effect their homes), home associations, and the list goes on, and now the mining community, which covers all mining interests, and the businesses and communities affected by the tourism and other needed income brought into the area in a severely depressed area since logging and other income-producing business has declined so rapidly in the recent past.

The conference was spread over three days, and this one was held in Redding, but with all these people (there were more than 250 in attendance at the conference), it was very rushed most of that time.  Jim was surprised to see the spirit of cooperation and work that went on to find solutions that would work for everyone that permeated the conference, and much of the time was spent in small groups they were broken down in to help them in the search for solutions, the focus of this particular conference.

The workshops between now and the next conference will be where the actual work will be done for the most part.  One of the subjects that was in the forefront of this particular conference is the “hot” item in the news today in this entire area of the west, and that is the fight that the Karuk Tribe here has spearheaded to get four dams on the Klamath River removed to save the salmon, they say.  They have put a lot of money behind this campaign, and are being backed by some strong, and in some cases radical environmental groups that have furnished funds, legal representation, and more.

One claim I’ve read or heard publicly from Karuk spokesmen more than once, on television and in articles, I’ll share with you to illustrate the emotional approach they are making in this battle for dam removal.

This example is one of their main points in favor of dam removal that says that (and this is not a direct quote, so don’t quote me, and all the emphasis is mine) …“we” (the white people) are still practicing genocide on the Karuk Indians.  How?  Well, here is their substantiation for that.  Since we are killing the fish with these dams, and they can’t eat salmon as their heritage dictates, we are making them overweight which kills them, and we are killing them with disease such as diabetes; all because they can’t catch and eat salmon as they want to, and this has been going on for the last 90 years.  They say their genetics aren’t made to eat the food we are forcing them to eat, which is why they have disease and are overweight, so consequently, we are practicing genocide. 

The other meeting Jim attended was just a few days ago, and this was one of a series of comment meetings that the FERC (U.S. Federal Energy Regulatory Commission), which is the agency that will make the decision about the dams and is asking for comments from all interested parties.  They say their decision will be based on the comments, verbal and written, received by them before the final date comments are to be received, which is, I believe, November 30 or December 1, 2006.

Jim has an entire list of pertinent subjects that he feels need to be addressed before an informed decision can be made, and are not being addressed by anyone at present, that he presented at this hearing, but I like the final one… it says, “The supreme irony and resulting tragic consequences of removing these dams would be to find out after the fact that it really was not the dams, but ocean conditions, confirmed by peer- reviewed science, that were causing any salmon decline.”

Now, before I step down from my soapbox, I wanted to say that there were a number of regulatory agency people, and people from other local groups, at the Klamath River Watershed Conference who were thrilled to see Jim representing the mining groups; all were strangers, but people who are mandated or interested to learn more about mining, which is a good thing, and who will be meeting with him in the future to further an exchange of knowledge, information all in the spirit of cooperation.  This is a good step in the right direction!

And, since the FERC comment hearings he has heard from a number of people he knew only slightly, who congratulated him on his comments, and appreciated his viewpoint.

These two meetings are just a drop in the bucket of what is in store over the next couple of months as these controversial solutions are discussed and discussed some more, solutions searched for that will be palatable for all, and conferences, summits (by the Oregon and California state governors) held, and many public comments and opinions are flying through the Internet daily.  Other groups are working toward solutions, they say, and of course many of those involved have varying interests.  Some are valid, and some may not be, some are predicated on business and some are not; some are based on livelihoods, some on ideals, some on emotion, and some on fact.  How do you weigh all that, and establish priorities?  And, who is on this commission, and what are their motives?  Ah, it is all very confusing and so intricate that it is a very much unknown equation and its outcome is much in doubt.  If you want to find out more about this controversy, you can visit the Klamath Basin Crisis website at: http://www.klamathbasincrisis.org/ , or the Klamath Bucket Brigade’s website: http://www.klamathbucketbrigade.org/ , to see more on all views in the matter.

And, while this particular controversy is a local one, don’t think for a minute that it does not affect, or will not affect, you in your location.  There are similar battles and controversies already in process in many other parts of the country, backed by these same radical environmental organizations, or ones like them.

Okay, removing myself from my soapbox…

Since I’ve not been well the past few weeks, and so I didn’t feel entirely useless, I found that if I reduced the amount of moving around I did, to help control the amount of congestion, resulting cough, and loss of blood in the cough, I could sit at the computer (with an air cleaner nearby), and do some work, so I devoted more than two weeks to a big update on my website, something that was sorely needed, and which gave me a sense of accomplishment and productivity.  Right after finishing that, I launched into what I originally thought would be a “redecorating” of my kitchen/recipe section of the website, and I’m still not quite finished with it.  I have expanded my original goal, and have included a lot of good nutritional, health, and diet information.  Some is geared to cancer patients, some is very useful to those with many illnesses and health problems, and some is geared for everyone who is concerned about some of the things they might be getting in their foods, meals, and food items they now buy.  This is all good, practical information that I’ve been researching, and have discovered some things that surprised me, and they will continue to help me to help myself improve my overall condition, as well as helping in this battle against my cancer.  I will send notification in a short time so you can all see it when it goes up online, and hope you’ll check it out.  I’ve also included a lot of new recipes, kitchen helps, etc., and all in all, it is quite a large amount of new information for all.  What I’m working on now is to link some of these informational things to recipes in the recipe section, so you can see how to turn it all into practical use.