January 5^th, 2007

As I begin this update I have to say that after the euphoria of such good news at my last doctor visit my roller coaster ride of cancer treatment took me on mostly on a long downward slide this last four weeks.  I struggled against it, but found that all the side effects from the treatment were much stronger than they were earlier in the year, causing more problems in all areas, and when I stopped the Decadron (steroid) I take for three days at treatment time, my allergies attacked much stronger than they’ve been, and just grew worse, eventually causing more problems than the cancer treatment, and most days made it impossible to do anything. 

The inactivity that all this forced caused the muscle-wasting to increase, until I was so weak I could do little more than get to the bathroom and back.  Increased congestion from all the allergy problems affected my breathing so much I was forced back onto taking oxygen full time, and then a week ago, as I entered the week after I had no treatment coverage, I became more ill.  Worsened allergies, and what I thought was the beginning of bronchitis again.  By late Sunday I was sure, as I began running a mild temperature late in the day, suffered strong chills, and began coughing thick, colored phlegm.  Since the doctor had just been gone on vacation I knew it would be a madhouse there, and since I was going in on Thursday, I didn’t call.

The further increased congestion brought on another attack of pleura pain, which twice before landed me in the hospital for days, due to low blood oxygen levels, but this time I had the oxygen, and I knew what to do.  Despite the increased pain and discomfort, I need to breathe more deeply, practicing deep breathing techniques, and I needed to keep upright for more time during the day and night, so it came up more easily. 

This was a very scary time for both Jim and I, and he kept the truck ready to leave at any time with oxygen on the ready, since we are so much further from the hospital than ever, but I knew that if I used these techniques I had the cure, if I could stand the pain.  After 24 hours or so it began to decrease slowly, but it was surely a trial to hold onto everything for awhile.  This pain is so deep and intense that you immediately feel the need to breathe shallow to decrease it, and you have to fight that urge with every breath that you take.  Without the strength that Jim somehow finds to give to me at times like these, and my strong faith that held us in God’s loving arms, I’d have surrendered to it, and been lost in the grip of the pain.  I know what that’s like.  The pain takes over and you can think of nothing else but that you’re drowning in it, and it just gets worse.  No amount of morphine less than enough to put me under will even touch it.  Jim increased the oxygen a small amount, temporarily, and held me close as we each prayed and concentrated on my breathing and staying upright for a good long time and I got through it, and the next day it was a little bit easier, and easier still the following day.  I felt really ill with all that and the trauma it caused, and the bronchitis (I was sure I had it by this time, as all the symptoms were worse), and my general weakness were all taking a toll. 

An underlying fear was the concern of why this was all happening.  The last two attacks like this had meant that my cancer was growing rapidly.  In my heightened anxiety I was very fearful that was the reason, and because I knew that Jim was probably thinking the same thing but not saying it – and because I knew that if I said it, it would be harder for both of us to put it “away” after that, I didn’t say anything to him.  I didn’t have to, I knew his fears were the same as mine. 

Because of my weakness I wasn’t even able to shower alone by now, so he helped me get ready yesterday morning, and even with his help it took an incredible amount of time, but also incredibly (and probably from taking the steroid the previous day) I felt stronger and was better able to breathe yesterday.  The previous day I wondered how I’d manage at all.  Then, with all the problems that cropped up, we forgot to check the road conditions at the Siskiyou Summit overnight and yesterday morning, as it was raining pretty hard here at times both days.  We have no local television, so we just don’t get local weather news.  Shortly after reaching I-5 and heading north we knew we were in BIG trouble.  There were big trucks pulled to the side of the road, a solid line of them, from Hornbrook north!  Jim said he’d never seen so many.  Since we’d left a full hour later than planned there was certainly no extra time figured in, and it looked like we might not make it at all.  There was hardly any traffic at all moving north and almost all was made up of slow large trucks that had chained up.  They appeared to be trying to wait it out, and only chaining up when they had no choice, and it was now past noon.  And chains were required on everything except 4X4’s who were not towing anything.  There was little traffic coming south also.  On the California side of the mountain the road was clear and wet, but as we approached the summit traffic was crawling, although it kept moving, and they had evidently just lifted the “chains required ban”, as there was no checkpoint where it was supposed to be.  About halfway down the other side we ran into the jam of traffic coming the other way.

The first half going down was very slow, with snow and little ice, and it had just been well sanded.  I don’t do steep mountain roads well in any weather and this was much less than perfect; as friend Joan Watson says, “They’re all leaners and screamers!”  It was all fogged in, but when the fog lifted, the road improved a great deal and traffic speed picked up as the temperature had risen to where the road was now wet, with no new snow or ice.  Somehow we made it to Medford and the hospital for my X-Ray right on time, and I might have had one unjangled nerve left, but I doubt it.  Despite being on time the hospital was very crowded, the only time I’ve seen it that way and our half-hour appointment took an hour, so we were late to the lab across the street but that wasn’t a problem, and got in to see the doctor right on time to wait our usual hour before he could see us.

It was a very tense hour for us, and I tried to take my mind off it by working on a menu and grocery list for the coming three weeks or so, trying to find something to tempt my appetite which has been terrible this last month.  Everything tasted like cardboard or worse most of the time, and I’ve lost a bit of weight, a no-no for me, so I have to work to put some back on.  This helped a bit.  When Dr. Ahmann came in he gave me a critical look, asking how I felt.  I replied that I was feeling a bit “punky…” and he came back with “I can see that, you’re in a wheelchair!”  That made me laugh, I’d forgotten about it by then.  Using the wheelchair, however, I got by without the portable oxygen, and since I had a full day of appointments, and had completely worn myself out getting ready to go, I needed to do that.  I didn’t have that much portable oxygen with me.

Before he came in, when the nurse took my blood pressure it was a little lower than normal, but not a lot, my blood oxygen level was good… 93!  I think that was from the good fresh air we have here.  On the way to Medford, although it was wet on the California side it wasn’t raining most of the way.  I was bundled up good, Jim cranked up the heater and I often opened my window and drank in all that fresh air, it was wonderful!  Once we got off the mountain it cleared up in the valley a bit and until we got into Medford the air was very fresh, too.  My temp was below normal, which is normal for when I’m sick, and my pulse was fine.

The doctor said my white blood count was slightly elevated, and Jim and I explained about my worsening allergy problems, my bronchitis, breathing, etc. 

The doctor said that my X-Ray was no better, but it was also no worse, so my terrible fears about that were completely unfounded, Thank you, LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!!!  I know that unless you have been in this situation it is impossible for you to know the fear and terror that this can (and does) bring to me, but it is something that you always want to work hard to avoid, if possible!

He wanted to delay treatment, not wanting to further compromise my immune system with my infection, so he prescribed antibiotics, lengthened (but decreased gradually my steroid) until another week, when I’m to go back for treatment after I finish the antibiotic (It’s a Z-Pack) that you take for just five days.  So, I guess he wants to see if a gradual decrease of the steroid will ease the effect it as on my allergies when I stop it suddenly, in hopes this may help that problem.

As we went through our afternoon of appointments traveling from hospital to cancer clinic, and then on to drop off prescriptions, pick up a rotisserie chicken to “pick” in the truck, drive out to Costco to gas up (gasoline here is climbing again, being at $2.89 locally, and $2.69 at some of the Medford stations we saw) and Costco always has the best prices.  As I began to say, while we did all this moving around the area we kept an eye out on the sky which was in various stages ranging for small patches of light to huge clumps of black storm clouds, all moving pretty fast, but only rain off and on fell down in Medford, although it was pretty cool temperatures for there.

Since we had no chemo treatment we got out earlier than we’d planned, and that suited me just fine, but it was still dark before we started back up the mountain.  While I waited for Jim I prayed a lot.  A lot of it was in praise and thanksgiving for the day’s results, but because my nerves were so frazzled by this time that I knew I needed to pray about the trip home, and then a line that was given to me by my friend Yvonne, which says, “…to fear is of Satan, put your trust in God…” instantly came to mind, and I used that, asking Him to help me “push” the fear away, and to put all my trust in Him.  For without Him I can do nothing, but WITH HIM anything is possible.

I have to say that it made the trip home much easier than the trip over, and although it looked bad when we started out, there were no road closures, and while it was spitting a bit of snow off and on the entire way home, none of it was sticking anywhere, and because he knew how upsetting the entire day had been (he was probably worried I’d upchuck chicken all over the truck), Jim drove slower than usual, used 4WD going over the top, just for me, and it was a pleasant drive.  There was some snow alongside the road near Collier’s Rest Area, where Hwy. 96 begins, but not much.

It was quite wet here, and colder than when we left, it was down to 36 degrees, and after we got home the closest weather station somewhere in Horse Creek was predicting a high of only 29 degrees today.  Of course for yesterday they had only 31 for a high, and here at our house we were at about 40 degrees when we left.  We think all the surrounding trees keep us warmer than the more open spaces unless the sun is shining brightly.

It’s 8:05 am here now and as I look out the window next to me the sun has just topped the ridge across the river in a couple of spots, quickly melting the snow from the night.  The trees are pretty much covered completely with it almost halfway down the mountain to the river, and the open lawn across the road is covered in white, but how much is now and how much frost it’s hard to tell.  We have just a dusting on some of the leaves of our cedars, and the top and bottom rails of our fence out front have either snow or ice.  It looks like some of it stuck at some point during the night.  It was 30 degrees when I awoke at 4:45 or so this morning, and is still the same here now.  We have one of the new digital inside/outside thermometers that works very well if you get the sensor set in a good place.  One of the kids got it for us a year ago for Christmas, and we love it!

There must be patches of snow here and there on the highway, since the snowplow just went by with his plow raised.  Sometimes it snows in Happy Camp and not here, and some times vice versa.  It’s a strange valley with lots of little microclimates in a condensed area.

So… where do we go from here?  Well, we always come away from our doctor appointments feeling better, and part of that is due to just knowing what’s really going on.  Neither of us functions well on not knowing, and that’s not good.  So, now that we know, we know we need to do all that we can to get me well, and that includes good food, of course, improving my rest, keeping upright and moving as much as possible to counteract the muscle wasting and breathing difficulties, taking all my medication as ordered, reducing this heightened stress that we both have right now, and improving our outlook.  That’s already underway, and we’ll work hard to keep it moving in that direction.  We’ll be doing a lot of praying, asking God for help in all that we do, praising Him daily for all the things we are thankful for, for that is truly a blessing for us to do so.

After my terrible fears for what this report might bring, I was very happy to see that the cancer had not grown at all.  That’s a wonderful blessing with all the adverse problems I had this last month, so I’ll be working hard to help the treatment next week to do all it can to further reduce the tumor.

Unless something unusual happens you will probably not get another update until four weeks from now.  Unless I feel worse the doctor is not going to do another X-Ray next week, we will go with yesterday’s as a baseline, so it will be four weeks again until my next appointment, as I have this additional week to get over the bronchitis before my chemo treatment (January 11, next Thursday).

I am asking for all of you to keep us in your prayers, we appreciate them, and we appreciate the wonderful support you all give to us in many ways; it helps make all this much easier for us.  Here’s hoping the next report will be a good one for all to hear!  Since I’m still alive, still home, still with Jim, and Missy, they are all good to me!

God Bless You All,

Marcie and Jim

On the Klamath River

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